Sort of Legal

Hiking is fun.  The people you see hiking are funny.  The following is a list of some of the types of the people you will inevitably encounter while hiking or trail running. 

CAN YOU SPOT THEM ALL?

The Instagrammer.  Imagine the most inappropriate clothing for hiking on trails – flip-flops, a dress, a tube top, dramatic hat, brand new white shoes, etc.  That is what The Instagrammer will be wearing.  They will be at the most photographed spot on the hike.  Avoid them by going three feet past the photo spot.  They are there for a purpose…and that purpose is not to disconnect from the world.

The Gallon Guy or Gal.  Spot this person from far away by the gallon of water they carry in a plastic jug for their hike.  Props to them for heeding “stay hydrated” warnings but there is a better way! And where are there friends?   A true friend to the gallon guy or gal would introduce them to the concept of bladder backpacks like CamelBaks…or buy them one for their birthday. (Compare prices: CamelBak, Amazon, Moosejaw)

The Competitor.  Thou shalt not pass.  If you try, the competitor will noticeably quicken their pace.  They will often slow down once you have receded, then quicken again if you approach for a pace.  Repeat until you lose your mind.  If the competitor is behind you they will zoom past you before you even realize there was someone behind you.

The Runner. Spot them running when everyone else is walking.  The more minimalist nature of their attire and gear is also a give-away.  See someone in shorts when most people are in long pants and long sleeves?  Good chance you’ve found a runner!  The runner has things to get done and is probably in pain.   Get out of their way and give them a word of encouragement.

The Soon to be Single Couple.  You can tell they are together, but they don’t talk or seem to acknowledge each other’s presence.  Or, in the most entertaining version, they are actively fighting over minutiae.

The Person You Are Avoiding.  This one is very individual.  It’s whoever you least want or expect to see while on a hike to get away from it all.  Your ex with his new girlfriend or boyfriend and that annoying acquaintance that may have a GPS tracker on your car based on how frequently they pop up are top contenders.

The Serious Sally.  You say “good morning.”  They scowl.

The Space Traveler.  This person is not in the same world as you.  They are either literally high on drugs or exhausted to the point of delirium.  It can sometimes be hard to tell the difference.  The high hiker is often in non-athletic clothing, sitting for long periods of time, and sometimes, smells like weed.  The delirious hiker, in contrast, is often sweating profusely  and asking “how much further?”

The Gearhead.  CamelBak, trekking polls, camera, waterproof boots, hiking pants, NorthFace windbreaker.  The Gearhead has all the things and is wearing all the outdoorsy brands…on a three-mile hike just outside of a residential neighborhood.  The Gearhead can be broken down into two major families: the regular hiker that just cannot resist new gear and the nervous rookie that is over-prepared. 

The Nature Newbie.  The nature newbie typically hikes with a group, is in whatever sneakers they wear on a daily basis, and has an expression that is a mix of wonder and apprehension as if they have no idea what lies around the next corner…because they don’t.  I find many nature newbies are friendlier and more appreciative of the experience than regular hikers.

The Family of Fifteen.  They ride deeeeeeep with multiple generations.  The Family of Fifteen will either make your day or make you want to scream.  In their best form, they are friendly, funny, and self-aware.  At their worst, they are completely unaware and unconcerned about the trail and people around them.

The Old Pro.  This person is literally old and walks with an ease that says “I’ve been hiking trails since before Camelbaks.”  They are not reliant on gear.  To the contrary, they are so comfortable on trails that they wear whatever the f*%k they want including jeans, and you can’t help but respect it. 

ALL IN GOOD FUN

This list is intended to be all in good fun!  I have been a number of these people on different days.  Two weeks ago, on a crowded Sunday at Sunday at Iron Mountain, I stepped into The Competitor’s shoes and virtually sprinted to the end of the trail because a dude with a plastic water bottle sticking out of his pocket ran past me and I just had to get in front of him.  Great logic, Larissa, necessary.  In Banff, Canada last summer, I was a version of The Gearhead on a few hikes with my Camelbak stuffed with some unnecessary things like three camera lenses.

YOUR PRIZE IF YOU SPOT THEM ALL

If you find all of these people in a single day (honor system) and live in San Diego, California, I’ll buy you a beer!  If you find all of these people in a single day (honor system) and live outside of San Diego, California and will pay for my flight, I’ll buy you a beer!