Sort of Legal

I’ve historically been a bit of a pleaser.  As a kid, I won awards like “Most Coachable” and “Most Dedicated Gymnast.”  Those aren’t necessarily bad things.  I still think it’s good to listen to coaches and be dedicated to what you do.

It’s just that not only do I like when people like me, I sometimes go out of my way to please others at the expense of myself because I’d rather suffer than get negative feedback:  “Sure, I’ll put in 10 hours of work for $100…if you compliment me.”  It’s taken me a long time to realize and admit that.

This past year, I received more criticism than any other year I can recall – about personal decisions, professional decisions, my personality, and even my work product.  Rather than just cry (ok, sometimes I cried), I dealt with it. I figured out how to deal with criticism and still function.  And in doing so, I got better at it…and more importantly, I stopped fearing criticism so much which allows me to make decisions that are better for me (as opposed to decisions that will please other people.)

Here’s are some of my tips, from experience, for handling criticism, whether personal or professional:

Exposure.  Don’t shirk away from situations where you might get criticism.  This doesn’t mean you should seek out people or experiences that make you feel bad.  It does mean that if fear of criticism is the only thing stopping you from doing something, you should do it anyway.  The more times you are exposed to criticism, the easier it gets.

Focus on the Decision, Not the Outcome.  Make the decision you think is best, not the one you think will lead to the best outcome.  Outcomes can be difficult to predict.  If the outcome is less than ideal, there is a peace that comes with being honestly able to say “I made the decision that I believed was best” that simply doesn’t exist when you make decisions based on outside pressures, like avoiding criticism.

Fix it & Learn.  Sometimes you do make bad decisions or mistakes.  We’re not robots, after-all.  When you realize this has happened. do what you can to fix it and learn from it.  In business, for example, you might fix the error and offer a discount on future goods or services. In your personal life, it may mean eating crow and apologizing.  In both, sometimes the mistake cannot be fixed despite your best efforts.  If that’s the case, you need to dig deep to find satisfaction in the fact that you did try, move on, and apply what you learned to similar future situations.

Stand Your Ground.  When you are criticized, carefully evaluate whether the criticism is justified.  Sometimes, it is.  In which case, fix and learn.  But sometimes, people criticize you to make themselves feel better, because they are looking for a scapegoat, or for a host of other reasons that have nothing to do with you.

On one occasion last year, I got criticism about a contract I drafted.  After multiple rounds of [free] changes and a one-hour teleconference reviewing and explaining each paragraph in detail, I was still getting [harsh and rude] criticism from the client.  It felt so bad that for a moment, I felt incompetent and I wanted to run away from the practice of law, completely and forever.  Instead, I took a step back and asked myself if I was satisfied with the contract.  And I was.  It was a well-written contract, it provided as much risk protection as possible, it was consistent with other contracts in the industry, and it provided what the client had asked for. So I pushed back, kindly but firmly: I explained my work and stated that I stood by it.  In a truly shocking moment, a few weeks later, I got a good review from that client.  Life – ha!

Rap Music.  Nothing will make you feel more like a bad a$$ immune to criticism than some rap music.

I still don’t LOVE criticism or seek it out, I’m a heck of a lot better at dealing with it.  Acknowledging it and having a strategy for dealing with it prevents it from causing a downward spiral or having a negative impact on my self-worth or life in general. 

Criticism, is something we will all deal with through 2018 and beyond.  I’d love to hear your experiences with criticism and mechanisms for dealing with it.  Leave a comment or send an e-mail.