Sort of Legal

Preliminary Note: When I started this blog, a priority was to be honest and to record the journey, not just the destination.  This is definitely one of the journey posts.  It’s personal, not particularly uplifting, rambles, and written in real time  Because of that posting it is a little scary.

Objectively, I live a pretty sweet life.  I live a little over a mile from the beach in a coastal California town.  I work remotely…from anywhere.  I travel a slid percentage of the year to see family, friends, and new places.  I have friends.  I go on dates.  I have hobbies like dance and walks in nature that I love.  I have exciting travel plans over the next few months.  My immediate and extended family are crazy-awesome (meaning they are concurrently crazy and awesome).  It goes on…

But it’s 8:30PM on a Friday and the only thing I can think is “I’m so tired.”  Just over and over in my head.  It’s not a physical fatigue.  Or the part of it that is will be easily cured with good sleep tonight.  It’s not the beautiful fatigue after a long day at the beach or whirlwind family vacation.  It’s an insidious mental fatigue. One that hints at some underlying cracks that need patching. 

I’m tired of…

• Feeling cash poor and time poor. Isn’t it supposed to be one or the other?
• Pushing through the types of work projects that I hate doing without feeling like it is for a greater purpose. Feels like a rat on a wheel.
• Feeling like certain people in my life use me when they need emotional support, to pass the time, or someone to hang out with but are nowhere to be found when I do.
• Working in the same room where I eat, sleep, and hang-out…sometimes. Other times, I do love the short commute to work.  Four steps! 
• Spending a disproportionate amount of time doing things that I don’t like versus things I do.
• Not having the time or energy to pursue my passion projects – photography, blogging, a remote guide for attorneys.
• My mental and physical health not being my top priority. I want it to be.  It should be.  But my actions don’t demonstrate that.
• Crashing on weekends. Being too tired to come up with and carry out weekend plans other than Netflix, craft beer, and chill is not my ideal life.

I don’t feel particularly sad or anxious.  I’m not incapable of enjoying moments in life.  I’m just f&*ing tired.  Almost everything I do requires the mental fortitude that staying awake requires when you’ve only had two-hours sleep.  I am consistently giving myself internal pep-talks just to get through the easiest of tasks…like looking at and responding to e-mail and that only compounds the exhaustion. 

Although it feels like this has popped up out of nowhere, it has undoubtedly been accruing momentum with each day I’ve stayed up way too late to do work that needed to be done at the expense of down time, each work project that I’ve accepted knowing that I hated the particular type of work, each invitation to something that I’ve accepted out of guilt, and each time I’ve put the comfort and needs of the wrong people ahead of my own.

I personally think it is OK to have periods where things kinda suck, when the fun to not fun ratio is tipped towards not fun but you can see the greater good or light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m struggling now because it doesn’t feel temporary and it doesn’t feel purposeful.  It feels like a signal that something needs to change.  But I am not sure exactly what or how or when.

And the difficulty when you take a less traveled trail is that there are fewer people walking besides you to encourage you and fewer people coming back from the peak to advise you about what’s ahead.  And adventurous and independent as I like to think I am, sometimes I just want the damn guide book.  Give me the step by step directions so I know I’m on the right path and the photo of the glorious view at the top so I know that all this is for something.  But alas, that is not the life of a solopreneur. 

Friends and family do their best when I discuss work and business ideas and stress but with a few exceptions, their responses tend to follow the same pattern:

• “What if you just get a low stress 9-to-5 at a law firm?” Ok, first, how many attorneys do you know that have “low stress 9-to-5s?”  Second, I often like the running a business part of my work more than the actual practice of law soooo why is the solution to remove the part I like the most?  Don’t think this is the solution but thanks for offering it…again.  (I mean I’m not completely opposed to ever being an “employee” again but it would have to be a unique and right situation – or a desperate one)
• Just do whatever will bring you the most money (unspoken: even if you hate it). Just no.  That’s not the best decision for me.  That’s not for anyone.  Though, admittedly, earning more money is something I’m working on but just earning money, without more is not going to solve my problems.
• “That’s hard.” or “Ok.” These things are usually said by people who are trying to be supportive but really don’t know how to relate.  Sometimes it is a thinly veiled “Why don’t you just get a low stress 9-to-5 at a law firm?”

The thing that gets to me about these types of responses is not the lack of advice or even the bad advice, it’s the lack of faith or encouragement.  I’ve been running a business for years now and in that time, I’ve had far more people in my life encourage me to do something else than to tell me that I could be successful running a business.  (NOTE: This isn’t even everyone and I’m incredibly appreciative of those people that have provided counsel, encouragement, and enthusiasm over the years)

On more than on occasion a family member heard the word “Uber” in a conversation and jumped to the conclusion that I was driving for Uber.  It’s half-funny and half-frustrating.  I’m an attorney licensed in two states.  I run a business.  I’ve worked on cases that have been in the news.  I may not make a lot of money but I still make more than any salaried job I’ve ever held and I think that’s kinda cool.

People reactions are not malicious.  They don’t understand what I do and think encouraging a full-time, traditional job is in my best interests. It is none-the-less disheartening at times.  And honestly, maybe feeling unsupported, unappreciated is a larger part of my current state than I’ve previously been willing to acknowledge. 

I do actually have ideas for making more money, for streamlining my work processes, for dong more managing of the firm than doing all the work, for making money with some creative pursuits, and for merging my legal side with my creative side.  And, I’ve started to implement some.  And I’ve even seen hints of progress in these areas.  But right now it’s mostly trust mode.  It’s trusting that all these little steps that I am taking between billable work, that are taking up time and energy, will pay off.  That the connections between dots will get filled in even though right now I can’t see the connection. 

Deep down, I know that this is a time where I cannot force a resolution. I know that I need be patient and give the answers the time and space they need to develop.

UPDATE: After publishing this post.  I opened a book I bought, Suffering is Optional by Cheri Huber, and this jumped out.  Guess the Universe was listening.